Cable No: 07IP803
Subject: Shock and awe
Classified by: Patterson, A
1. During the recently concluded operation codenamed “Giddy, giddy, ho, ho” [following codenaming parameters contained in the dossier marked ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away’], some startling revelations have been made that need to be made available to the President straight away. President Musharraf is bald. He does not have hair on his head. This was made apparent when he was flirting with the hot chick from CIA on deputation to the Consulate in Islamabad. She slid her hand on his slick hair and his wig fell off. She sprayed champagne all over his shiny head as she couldn’t resist laughing.
2. Britney Spears’ concert at the underground rave in Peshawer organized for OBL was a huge success. She flashed him. He got turned on. He officially requested the CIA to order Britney Spears to sleep with him. She rejected the order, but not because OBL isn’t hot enough. According to the debriefing made available to the State Dept. via embassy cable 1A98E00Q his beard tickled her so much, she had no choice but to say no to him.
3. Pakistani film actress Meera officially requested the United States to airlift her to USA. She says she has been kidnapped and was making the call from an undisclosed location. An electronic trace identified the call as having originated from the basement of her house. On returning the call Meera said we are using old-fashioned gadgets as she is sun bathing in Cyprus. I believe that after I pictured Meera sun bathing, I may have gotten the hots for her. However in Lalaland, girl-girl endeavours are considered taboo. I do feel I am still fit for duty.
4. I confessed my love to Meera. She told me she is married. I threw a tantrum. I told her she must be with me if she ever wants to see USA. She said she doesn’t. She has fallen in love with Cyprus. Slut-alert [use of term guided by principles contained within section C. clause 9 subsection a) of the handbook entitled ‘New land, new ways’].
That is all for now.
PS: OBL wants an XBOX 360 up in his cave in ********* [location deleted coz *someone* in Langley will wet his pants if otherwise], so please just get the scrawny bastard his plaything? Please? And please tell him to stop calling me and crying about how he ‘almost’ had Britney Spears.
I’m out. I need a vodka cherry. Oops. That was for the waiter, not for you.
Patterson, A
