May 2, 2011

I'm not dead!

Cable No: 1728IP09

Subject: I am not dead!

Classified by: Munter, C

1. OBL has thrown a tantrum. He was watching BBC and they reported he had died. He called me. I told him following protocol 1-Alpha Alpha he shouldn't have called me. Then he abused me by saying my name on secure comm. I told him not to do it. But he wouldn't listen. He said why is he alive when BBC is saying he is dead. It would ruin BBC's reputation as BBC is one of the most reliable news channels in the world.

2. I talked to Mother. He said he's drinking cocoa with little marshmallows in it. I should talk to Voodoo. Voodoo scares me. Last time he shot at my toupee. Then I called Queen Patterson. She said I should send some baby milk powder to OBL. That will put him to sleep.

3. I didn't listen to the stupid bitch due to reasons classified under Section C, Para 19, Pt. 8-13 of the dossier marked "Eyes Only". I told OBL I'll send Paris Hilton his way. That cheered him up so much, he unlocked the Ferrari in Need for Speed Hot Pursuit 2.

4. Paris Hilton has refused to go to Tora Bora even though I assured her we have a fully functioning ******* star hotel in the cave complex. I even told her we'll provide her with a fully functioning voyeur cam so that she can release her s*x video online. But she says she's scared of cockroaches. Unless we nuke them, she won't go. According to nuclear expert Fataka Khan, cockroaches are immune to nuclear attacks. Now what am I to do?

5. OBL is so excited he will get laid tonight. He even made plans to marry Paris Hilton in Hilton Hotel Mecca. But now he will be heart broken. First BBC broke his heart, now Paris Hilton. The poor baby. I am thinking that the CIA should provide him with a free Blu-Ray disc of the latest Need for Speed iteration to give him some hope.

My fingers hurt now. I need a manicure.

Bye bye bitches,

Munter, C