Cable No: 07IP802
Subject: So help me God
Classified by: Patterson, A
1. In a dramatic development, it has been brought to my notice that the Muslims of Lalaland are being cheated by the “Qasais” of Lalaland. The “Qasais” are slaughtering dogs and passing them off as chicken meat, beef and mutton. In another development, we have found a Mufti who is willing to declare pork halal. We can then import the mad-pig disease into Pakistan and control the minds of the Pakistani population.
2. The Prime Minister of Lalaland has lost his marbles (he said balls). He is running scared around the courtyard of the PM Secretariat because he fears for his chair. He has been licking it nonstop ever since the fear of God Nawaz Sharif threatened to topple his chair (government). The PM fears that if his chair is toppled, he will land on his bottom which hurts every time he goes to the who*r*h*****. The term has been classified for reasons mentioned in Para 17 Clause W) in the dossier marked “Top Secret”. Also because our embassy employees love the chicks in the who*r*h***** frequented by the PM.
3. In an astonishingly genius move which seems was orchestrated by IFO Neptune of the Pentagon, the PM has endorsed that Rehman Malik be the new front man for the government. His lack of command on anything Islamic will ensure that the liberals back the PPP in the next general elections. In the cable from Rio de Janiero No. 03RJB*** it has been defined that IFO Neptune was brought in to lead the charge on the specific request of the PM as he was too scared to go talk to his COAS, as it would’ve meant leaving his chair unguarded. So he made the phone call to Washington DC as the phone was right there on his desk. That is probably one of the reasons why the Pakistani politicians are so fat. And bald. They never do any exercise. Their hotness to power ratio is absolutely zero, but what has bamboozled all the scientists at the NSA and NASA is that why are some (hot) women still attracted to these donkey faced idiots.
4. On a side note, the President of Lalaland hit on me. He is very flirtatious, and actually very good at it. Sarah Palin is a lucky gal, if you know what I mean. *Wink* (THE USE OF SMILEYS WAS ABANDONED VIA WORLDWIDE NOTIFICATION NO. CEF/87W/JH90004 AND HAS BEEN REPLACED BY THE EMOTICON’S EMOTION IN BETWEEN STARS. THIS TREND HAS ALSO BECOME THE NEW ONLINE FAD.) The President agreed that he needs to keep his attraction for me under wraps as people would assume that he is “Tharki”. Indeed, it has been proven on many occasions that he is indeed a big “Tharki”. Tharki does not mean turkey. It is a local euphemism for flirt considered very derogatory.
5. OBL called. He said his beard’s on fire. I told him to put it out. He asked me how. I told him to use water. He grabbed his martini glass and threw it on the fiery beard. The result is that OBL’s face now needs a transplant. He is a dumb idiot. I had advised against appointing him as Terrorist No. 1 from the first day. Now look what he’s done. He was so angry he burnt down his entire stock of booze for the year 2008. We need Chinooks to airlift a new stock and deliver to him because he’s calling me up and crying like a baby who hasn’t been given milk.
That’s all for today. I am going for a siesta now.
Peace out bitches!
Patterson, A
