March 30, 2011

Well played India. Not.

I don't mean to sound like a sore loser here. Wait - the topic title suggests I am a sore loser. But who cares? Now normally I'm all for friendly relations and ties between India and Pakistan; the message of peace and harmony should reign supreme on both sides. But when it comes to cricket? Well everyone has weaknesses.

India have won the semi final against Pakistan. For those of you supporting India, congratulations to you. Not to your team. And I'll get to why not in just a moment. For those of you who were supporting Pakistan, our "boizes" did their best; apart from Umar Gul who looked as if he'd gotten a wedgie. But that can be forgiven. What can however not be forgiven is the gargantuan display of butter handedness that was exhibited by our players. 6 dropped catches. 6! Four of those let Tendulkar off the hook. In the end Lala had to do it all by himself. One wrong flick from Tendulkar to our Lala, and Tendulkar was walking back towards the pavilion.

And Misbah ul Haq. You scrawny piece of scandalous ****. Please don't take this to heart by the way because I still feel you're the best crunch hitter in our team (although you have always decided to hit the ball out of the ground far too little and too late; remember the 2007 T20 World Cup? But screw that). Remember today? What in God's name were you thinking? All you had to do was rotate the strike. I've heard its the fundamental rule in cricket that one learns. Rotating. The. Strike. You know such as when you can't hit the goddamn ball around, you push it into a gap and take a single. What were you thinking man?

By comparison, you made Umar Gul look good. Way good. At least he had the decency to bowl some awesome yorkers. But you? What purpose did your half century serve? What?

Shahid "Boom Boom" Afridi
But moving on. Lala - we love you. Despite you being an obnoxiously terrible ball timer, we still love you. We love the way you blew chummas at Wahab Riaz during the match; we love that it took you one attempt to catch Tendulkar; we love that you bowl so insanely awesome deliveries; we even love you despite the fact that our team dropped three catches of your bowling. Oh and all this is in addition to the fact that you're every girl's wet dream in India, even though they may not accept it (yes Poonam Pandey, I mean you too); and that every boy in Pakistan (no matter how ugly he is) tries to look like you, talk like you, put his arms in the air like you, tries to bowl like you, field like you, tries to be awesome like you. We might have lost, but you, the greatest Pathan captain in the world, you still managed to win.

And Wahab Riaz. When I was watching the match and the camera panned to Shoaib Akhtar, I could tell that he was hating you. You took his spot and then you did what he hadn't done during the whole tournament. You took five wickets! And that too in a World Cup; and that too in the semi final of a World Cup; and that too against India! Every time we lose our best bowlers to narcotics (Muhammad Asif), corruption (Muhammad Aamir) and injury (Shoaib Akhtar) we always find someone to replace them with. Today it was you. Rock on. And stay clean please. Pakistani fast bowler producer companies are already running low on supplies.

Lala knows no fear!
And now finally to India. The nation first. Congratulations! Your team's in the final. It is too bad that 180 million on your Western border will be cheering on the much smaller, in fact tiny, nation in your south called Sri Lanka. But don't let that matter because you won! And now you get to see Poonam Pandey naked. That was the real goal (its time you admit that), winning the World Cup will just be the cherry on top of the cake. But to your team, I really don't think they played well. Sehwag yes, just like our Wahab Riaz, but other than that they all sucked. Just like the rest of our players. They scored runs off our pathetic fielding skills - that's unfair; Pakistan should be given special bonus runs to compensate for their abhorrent fielding - your batsmen flaunted their muscles and got out. Their bowling was lacklustre. In fact, if Misbah ul Haq had played his normal game, the outcome - well let's just say it would've been closer, and much more exciting.

This match was the mother of all cricket matches. The most anticipated match in the history of cricket itself. And it is us who made it so special. We all deserve applause. Sure I might sound like a sore loser, well you know defeat does sting, but in the end I had fun watching the match. I had fun watching the Greens take on the Blues.

We'll be back in 2015. Till then, hang tight!