June 30, 2010

Bakra Khan – Episode 3

The FIA lock up in Anarkali, Lahore.

Bakra Khan: Jailer! I need naswar.

Jailer: Prisoners aren’t privileged to have naswar.

Bakra Khan: But I have something to offer you!

Jailer: Unless it’s a red note, you’re wasting your time. I don’t settle for purple, and green is just the wrong colour.

Bakra Khan: Astagfirullah! I am not bribing you!

Jailer: Then I doubt you’ve got anything of interest to offer me.

Bakra Khan: How about I offer you heaven?

Jailer: May God make a real goat piss in your mouth! Heaven?! I haven’t even been married yet!

Bakra Khan (smugly): Yes but in heaven you won’t have to be married. And you’ll still have 70 fairies. Think about it, I can make it happen. I’ve got the right connections if you know what I mean.

Jailer: Are you offering o recruit me to your terror organization you big ugly stinking goat?!

Bakra Khan: Hey! I meant my Imam knows some wazeefay which I can give you for free you douche bag! And don’t you dare get personal with me! Allah made me this way, and Allah made you that way!

Jailer: Yes! And that is precisely why I am on this side of the bars, and you are on THAT side! Now shut up and let me read my monthly risala.

A little later -

Bakra Khan: Jailer!

Jailer: What now?

Bakra Khan: I need to pee.

Jailer: So pee.

Bakra Khan: I need to go to the bathroom.

Jailer: You see that steel bowl in the corner?

Bakra Khan: Yeah?

Jailer: That’s your bathroom. Now go pee in it.

Bakra Khan looks around, sees the other inmates, then looks at the pee bowl, then the jailer -

Bakra Khan: Please tell Mr. FIA Agent I am ready to talk to him now.

Bakra Khan as soon as the FIA Agent walks in -

Bakra Khan: Let me out of here! In the name of Allah! The most Beneficent, The most Kind! Let me out and 
I will ask my Imam to pray for your sins! You will get 70 fairies like I will!

FIA Agent: Oye Bakray, shut up. The Boss will see you now.

Bakra Khan: Where are you taking me?!

FIA Agent: To the debriefing room.

Bakra Khan: Let me – wow. MashaAllah… SubhanAllah… InshaAllah!

Bashiran Mai: Hello Mr. Khan. My name is Bashiran Mai.

Bakra Khan: What an honor to meet you, I am so pleased to meet you, did I tell you how happy I am to meet 

Bashiran Mai: Yes. I believe you told me that three times. Anyway, you are here because we have reason to believe you have possible extremist links.

Bakra Khan: Now that’s outrageous! I am a modern liberal!

Bashiran Mai: You sure? Because we have a Mr. Malik who has filed charges against you.

Bakra Khan: He’s obviously lying. He’s very jealous of me because I’m a man and he’s an in-between. He’s 
a big fundamentalist himself. I even told him I drink alcohol! I can’t get more modern then that now can I?

Bashiran Mai: No. I suppose not.

Bakra Khan: You suppose right. Not only are you beautiful, but you are also very intelligent. NATURE, if I may say so, has bestowed you with gifts.

Bashiran Mai: Yes thank you Mr. Khan. Now what is this thing you’re building?

Bakra Khan: Who told you about that?

Bashiran Mai: Your wife?

Bakra Khan: The b*****. It’s a time machine.

Bashiran Mai: First of all, cursing your wife is haram in Islam. And second, I beg your pardon?

Bakra Khan: First, she’s my wife so shut the eff up. See? I said eff. No real Muslim would say the eff word 
because that would guarantee their place in hell. And second, pardoned. It’s a time machine.

Bashiran Mai: And why are you building it?

Bakra Khan: So you and me can go take a spin in it baby doll *wink*.

Bashiran Mai: Stop flirting with me Mr. Khan.

FIA Agent: We have a situation. Geo - broadcasting live.

Bashiran Mai: How did they get here through the rush of Anarkali?! And I especially ordered the halwai to 
mix laxative in all the halwa he distributes amongst the reporters!

FIA Agent (tentatively): 8 o’clock, markets closed.

Bashiran Mai: Damn this government! Alright, escort this ignorant fool out of here and let him go.

Bakra Khan while strutting towards the exit -

Bakra Khan (to the FIA agent): That my friend, was fairy number 1. 69 more to go.

Addressing the public and reporters gathered outside

Bakra Khan: They are the devil's emissaries! They were trying to perform black magic on me!

Reporter: What else did they do to you?

Bakra Khan: They tempted me with Shabab, Kebab and Sharab! Astagfirullah!

Reporter: Why did they pick you up?

Bakra Khan: It is no doubt a conspiracy of the Qadiyanis. They want to capture the design of my thing.

Reporter: Your what?!

Bakra Khan: Thing. The thing I’m building which will make every human a Muslim you fahashi maa ki aulad! 
Yahood parast janwar!

Geo Reporter: Geo once again saves an innocent –

Bakra Khan: Geo is a channel of the Freemasons! You are Zionists! We will wipe your face of the map! We 
will make Minar-e-Pakistan in Tel Aviv! You Hindu Zionists! You deserve death! Die, die, die, Allah Mian 
curse them! Make them die, die, die! Geo should die, die, die! Shut up and bounce, bounce, bounce!

Geo Reporter: And so once again, the day is saved. Thanks to Geo TV. Bakra khan is so happy, he is singing and dancing in the streets of Anarkali!