Cable No: 07IP801
Subject: Army scaled down version of God
Classified by: Patterson, A
1. In a meeting with the COAS Army today, the strategy to eliminate all infidels from Lalaland was discussed. The use of the highly praised “Blasphemy Laws” of Lalaland was discussed. It was agreed upon that they would be used in place of conventional nuclear, chemical and biological weapons as weapons of mass terror to facilitate the heavenly Muslims of Lalaland in their quest to achieve the ultimate goal; ridding Lalaland of non-Muslims.
2. The meeting went topsy turvy as the COAS threw a tantrum midway about not being given enough special attention from Mother in the Pentagon. I assured him Mother has many kids. Maybe he would like Voodoo to take care of him. He lightened up like a Christmas tree after hearing that. But I am of the firm opinion that AFO Neptune’s operator codenamed Preacher should be assigned to the COAS. He likes to play with spoilt brats like the COAS because he himself was a spoilt brat once.
3. The meeting also took into consideration the demands of the COAS to declare the Army as a scaled down version of God. He was adamant that Washington should endorse this statement. However, for reasons mentioned in Clause 12 Para b) of the classified dossier marked “Eyes Only” we cannot possibly fulfil our prodigal COAS’ request. It is imperative however, that we supply him with our latest AWACS systems so that he and his boys can take out the “bad” Taliban Medal of Honour 2010 style. He is in love with the game, especially the laser guided Hellfire missile missions that involve individuals just pressing a mouse button on the mouse.
4. While a comprehensive debate ensued on the best gaming mouse in the market today (choices ranged from MX 518, to Logitech’s G700), a chaotic situation was witnessed as a mouse was spotted in the living room of the mess where the meeting was taking place. The location of the meeting has been declared “Top Secret” for reasons Clause 11 Para 1 through 4. In short, I am the Ambassador so go suck on a banana. The COAS personally set up the mouse trap but ultimately he got so hungry he decided to take the piece of cheese with which the mess staff had hoped to entice the mouse, and which had been embedded in the mouse trap. The mouse trap snapped shut on the COAS’ nose. Ouch.
5. In the best interest of Lalaland, a huge feast be thrown to all the generals of Lalaland in the form of new orders passed by the IMF declaring that all new taxes be used to finance the army’s whims. This will ensure that objectives 3 through 29 of the dossier marked “Zionists are cool” are fulfilled.
Peace out my lovelies,
Patterson, A
