March 31, 2013

Once upon a time in Larkana

Once upon a time in a land far far away in Larkana, there lived a thug. The thug belonged to the Chaprasi community native to Larkana and so he was called Chaprasi. Chaprasi was a handsome thug. He had left many girls swooning over his naughty boy antics and naughty boy looks. Once he was caught by the village elders for making the kissy kissy faces at smitten dames of Larkana, but what do you know, as soon as they yelled Chaprasi, Chaprasi was gone leaving in his wake sparkly clean houses and streets. Bedazzled by the sudden cleanliness of their city, the city elders sat down in awe and proclaimed that from now on Chaprasi would no longer be a slur. It would be an honor of the highest merit. Unbeknown to the poor innocent Larkana-ians, Chaprasi had taken all their belongings. But that was all fine because the villagers were busy aww-ing over their Chaprasi. And so begins the story of Chaprasi.

Legend has it that Chaprasi disappeared of the radar forever and was never heard of again after looting his village. However, the occasional odd rumor of some handsome thug smiting a dame continued to reach the Larakana-ians for many years. After a few years a new man claiming to be a native of Larkana emerged; he called himself Zordari and he proclaimed that Chaprasi was his ancestor. Zordari thought that because people considered Chaprasi to be a hero, he would be welcomed back with open arms and would be declared King of all Larkana. But the village elders were smart. They asked Zordari to prove that Chaprasi was his ancestor. And so Zordari told them:

I am an only child of my mother. When my mother was young, she fell in love with a thug. He also claimed to love my mother, but then she found out that he had gone and married someone else. He had 19 kids from that marriage. In the meanwhile, my mother gave birth to me. But she was banished from the village because she wasn't married when she gave birth. So as you can imagine, it is quite easy to comprehend where I came from. 

When the people heard this, they also used their genius minds to conclude that Zordari might indeed be the ill-begotten child of Chaprasi, and so they named his Chaprasi Junior because it rhymed with Zordari. Now since Zordari had the genes of Chaprasi, it only took him a short while to become the King of Larkana. However, he had none of Chaprasi's acumen, nor his good lucks. Despite that, because Chaprasi blood ran in his veins, he never stopped hitting on women left, right and center. And his lucky stars did indeed prove to be lucky because one day, out of nowhere, a girl from the Bhutto family fell for him. That day, Zordari started believing in Cupid, while Larkana stopped believing in it.

Now Zordari was a Khandani boy with Khandani values, despite the fact that he was a bastard and his morals weren't exactly, you know, impeccable. And so he asked his mother to go to the Bhutto House and ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. His mother tried reasoning with him but Zordari, with Chaprasi blood coursing in his veins, was adamant that he will marry the girl who has the largest land in the whole of Sindh province in her name. And so he did marry her and boy, what a marriage it was. While Zordari busied himself with making large amounts of cash, all people who could possibly inherit even a sliver of the Bhutto fortune kept dying in mysterious circumstances. People kept whispering the Chaprasi is at work but no one ever dared say it to Zordari's face. Alas, just like the rest, the handsome girl from the Bhutto family also died in mysterious circumstances, handing everything that she had on a silver platter to the increasingly greedy Chaprasi, I mean Zordari.

But the little kids in Zordari's class threw a tantrum and proclaimed it was unfair that he should get the whole cake. They demanded a piece of the booty too. But Zordari was too busy swooning over Sarah Palin to really care for what was happening around him. Soon Cupid had struck a second arrow into Zordari's heart but before a new baby could be born out of wedlock, Zordari's pet doggies intervened and stopped him from committing the same sins that his alleged father had committed. Zordari was furious for not getting his way and vowed vengeance from the people of Pakistan.

And so he acts like a sly fox whenever the people of Pakistan are struck with calamities, and he points and laughs at them all the while sending graces to the heavens for giving him an alleged ancestor known as the Chaprasi.

(All characters depicted in this fictional story are fictional and any resemblance to any character living or dead, is only co-incidental.)