June 29, 2010

Bakra Khan - Episode 1

Malik: What is death?

Bakra Khan: Death is the art of meeting the artist.

Malik: But if the artist does art, why would he want his art to disappear forever?

Bakra Khan: Ah, but you see the art never disappear; it lingers on.

Malik: So why’s death called death then? Doesn’t it mean the end of the end?

Bakra Khan (slightly pissed now): You moron educated with infidel knowledge. The spirit lives on.

Malik: What has spirit got to do with death, when death is death in absolute sense?

Bakra Khan: It’s got nothing to do with that. Like I said, it is an art of meeting the artist.

Malik: So you’re looking forward to meeting the artist then?

Bakra Khan: Um, yeah , well no. Not really…

Malik: So anyway, why’s it called an art when art is beauty and death is well, death?

Bakra Khan: To understand that you must understand Islam.

Malik: What has Islam got to do with art? Doesn’t Islam say art is prohibited?

Bakra Khan (really pissed now): Yes. No. I don’t know! Stop confusing me with your infidel bullshit!

Malik: Haw. Bullshit is a haram word. Didn't they teach you that at the Madrassa? You will goto hell now.

Bakra Khan: Listen mista, you don't question your religion, and you most certainly don't tell me about it. I am all knowing about religion.

Malik (confused): I thought only Allah was All-Knowing?

Bakra Khan: Yes. And after Him, the Prophet (PBUH) is All-Knowing, and after him, the four caliphs, and then my Imam, and then me. So if i say you're an infidel, then it means i have the full weight of Islam behind me.

Malik: Really? Just because I question my faith I become an infidel? 

Bakra Khan: Yes!

Malik: No doubt you learnt that from the Holy Book?

Bakra Khan: No. My Imam told me.

Malik: So your Imam knows the Holy Book?

Bakra Khan (rolls eyes): Yes.

Malik: So why does your Imam have Islamic art paintings hanging in the Mosque? Is he an undercover CIA agent?

Bakra Khan: How dare you! You infidel! You are wajib-ul-katal!

Malik: And no doubt Islam tells you that too?

Bakra Khan: No! Yes! I don’t know! But it is the right way according to Islam!

Malik: Why’re you being so hyper?

Bakra Khan:  I was feeling uneasy so I had alcohol. But only because Islam says you can have it when you’re feeling uneasy!

Malik: Really? And I believe your Imam is behind this interpretation as well?

Bakra Khan: No, not really… I like alcohol… Astagfirullah, Astagfirullah, Astagfirullah! You apostate! Look what you made me say!

Malik: Chillax man. Why is Islam so confusing? I’m confused.

Bakra Khan:  Islam is not confusing! It is you apostate people who have made it confusing! Islam is pure and easy.

Malik: No doubt, but I’m not the one who consumes alcohol.

Bakra Khan:  Enough! You are wajib-ul-katal! Run away before I incite the people to stone you to death.

Malik: Jesus. What the hell’s wrong with you man?

Bakra Khan: JESUS?!? Are you a Pakistani or not?! How dare you say Paadrees euphemisms in this citadel of Islam?!?

Malik (whistles in amazement): That was just a figure of speech. But I’ll go away now.

Bakra Khan: You do that. And I’ll go find dettol to wash my hands because I shook hands with an apostate.

Malik: One last question, aren’t you also an apostate by association now that you’ve spent time with an original “apostate”?

Bakra Khan throws his vodka bottle at Malik with full force who ducks and runs for cover.

The end.